Election Day

I woke up this morning with a pit in my stomach.  I knew it was coming.  The pundits tell me that I've been waiting for this for twenty months.  But the pundits are wrong.  I've been waiting for this for 7 years.  I gave a year of freebie.  A year to do right by me.  That was utter failure.  Even with me wanting to be on your side you could not capture me.  You are not eloquent enough.  You are not humane enough.  Frankly, you are not smart enough.  So I bit my tongue.  And did what I could to bid my time and when I thought it was finally here you stole it form me.  Just as you had done before.  Yanked it out from underneath me.  Tore it out of my hands.  It was mine to have but perhaps I was not cautious enough.  Or too cautious.  I did not read enough.  Did not protest enough.  Did not debate, or wail, or gnash enough.  Until it was too late.  And this black that had begun to develop grew like a virus.  Exponential.  I learned more to hate you more.  And it worked.  And you kept fucking up.  And fucking people over.  And fucking around with your damn "Now watch this drive," and your "I looked into his eyes and saw his soul," and your "decider deciding."

And now it is here.  Your glorious dethroning.  You have left a very meager castle.  But hopefully we will fill it.  Hope.  Change.  It has become our chant.  Our battle cry.  In the face of all odds we bitterly cling.  To hope and change.

And my stomach is knots.  And it's hard to taste food, although I know I should eat.  I can't sit still, I'm terrible impatient, and indecisive, and moody, and opinionated, and silenced.  Waiting.  It is the sound of aspiration.

I'm so nervous.  I feel like shit.  I'm an absolute wreck of a man.  Near tears at the very toughts.  What if you lose?  What if he wins?  Your poor dear Grandmother.  Bless her.  What will we do?  Where will we go?  Am I really going to move?  Make good on this promise?  Will I emmigrate?

Let's not think on it.  Let's have a moment of peace.

This morning I picked up my blank absentee ballot.  I held it close to my heart.  Then smelled it.  Then kissed it.  It didn't kiss back.  I don't know what I was expecting.

I poured over my ballot and the voter's guide.  Reading, reading, reading.  Searching for answers.  Searching for the chinks.  Searching for my men and women.  Hoping to find secrets.

I didn't want to mail my ballot so I drop it in a ballot box downtown.  I want it counted.  Tonight.  I want my number on CNN and ABC and MSNBC and NPR and CBS and FOX.  And fucking FOX.  I want FOX to report my number.  My hand in the air.  My aye. My lever pulled.  My chad totally and completely absent.

I told my boss at work as we left "The world will be different tomorrow."  I meant it.  He told me something innocuous about his life and we parted ways.

I thought dropping it there would make me feel better.  It didn't.  Nothing changed.  I just threw an envelope into a metal box with a lock on it.  I looked at the man washing windows.  He smiled at me but it was a "I'm-just-doing-my-job smile."  Not a thanks for doing your civic duty, buddy.  Thanks brother in democracy.

I started walking by my car and I saw someone else walking their ballot to the box.  I tried to make eye contact.  So I could smile and seem to say "Me too!  Me too!  I just did it too!  Look at us!  We comrades, we."  He did not see me.  He waived his ballot up and down thinking of something else altogether.  Oh, the disrespect!

Who am I kidding?

Fuck me.  My eyes hurt.  My stomach hurts.  I'm sore all over.  My friend said it best, "I want to fall asleep, and wake up on November 5th."

If only... If only.

the world is my oyster, therefore i will shuck and eat it

My first meal was beautifully atrocious. It consisted of the following Nachos BellGrande from Taco Bell, a Junior Bacon Cheeseburger from Wendy's, and 2 chicken strips from the Safeway deli. Although I couldn't find any nutritional info for the chicken strips it appears as though the other 2 menu items careened into a calorie count just breeching the 1000 marker. Yes, that's half of your reccomended daily allowance right there. And if I'm honest, I could only really stomach about two bites of chicken strips before I felt like my stomach was disdending.

Me (post-meal).

I could actually feel my body rejecting the food within minutes and it was mere moments later before I had to find a bathroom.

Faint of heart skip to the next paragraph. My pee has also already changed from a slightly tinged yellow back to it's ever-lovely dark yellow threatening orange.

That said, the world has suddenly new life breathed into each step. I smell things I don't remember ever having smelled. Tastes light up my mouth like a fireworks display of flavor. I feel renewed vigor and a skip in my step I haven't felt for awhile.

Other meals of note: lunch yesterday was crappy chain Thai food (I mean all of it Phud Thai, Red Curry and Fried Rice (plus Egg Roll)) followed (a few hours later) by Chocolate Oreo ice cream in a waffle cone from Baskin-Robbins. After a rousing evening a pub trivia the lady and I also treated our selves to a burger and fries from Dick's.

I have 5 beautiful weeks of freedom before I'm back for a second round on a new diet. God save me. It will be the end of the study though so that's good. I'll tell you what the beer I'm having right now has never tasted better.

8 Months of Silence

Wow.

You know, I occassionaly think about how I never update but I didn't realize I hadn't written anything since January. Where has the time gone?

Pretty much only two places.



1. Work

I feel like I've been working a lot. And earning less. Which, for the record, is a real bitch. I, regrettably, work on commission and I could smell this damn recession coming a mile away. Before our commander in chief in chief even uttered the phrase "economic slow-down," I knew things were going to get worse before they got better. I think it's usually a safe bet to disagree with our current president.

But I came to an epiphany not too long ago. That I can't work these shitty sales jobs any longer. So I got my ass in gear and put together a graphic design portfolio, video demo reel, and photography portfolio. The photography portfolio is more of an addendum, just to show I have some other talents and I put it all onto a DVD which looks pretty spiffy if I do say so myself.

I printed some resumes and cover letters and sent them to various places. I've had one interview so far. Cross your fingers.



2. Theatre

I was in one of the most amazing, rewarding shows I've ever done and one of the most taxing, trying, frustrating shows I've ever done. The former was an improvised musical slightly based on RENT, the latter was the unbiquitous Hamlet. I'm trying not to think of it too much, because I only have another week of shows. Perhaps I'll divulge more following.



The last four weeks have also been occupied by getting paid to eat. Yes, you read correctly, getting paid to eat. It was part of cancer research study and I'm so glad to be done with it. In 5 weeks I will resume the study on a different diet. More on the next entry.

Post-Holiday Post

So Christmas has now officially come and gone. And I did manage to post once during the holiday. I'll try and break it down a bit and stick to essentials.

The job.
Christmas was great for the job. Although I didn't get a lot of time off, I got enough including New Years Eve Eve, New Years Eve and New Years Day. It made for a lot of traveling but well worth it looking back. Unfortunately now my job is sliding into the two least profitable months of the year. It's my first time with this company so we'll see how it goes. I know everyone has they're reservations about commission based jobs but so far this one has gone pretty well.

Holidays.
We broke new ground this holiday season as a girlfriend spent Christmas with me. And what I mean is she didn't go home at all. For Edna home is a pretty pricey plane ticket (usu. $400 one-way) and she had just been home for a wedding.
Truthfully I was worried she might be really upset and sad by the whole affair but she told me she had a fantastic time. Her birthday is right around Christmas too and so having birthday cake and presents aren't something she's seen in awhile. A round of applause to my family (esp. my mom) who made all that happen, unbeknownest to me.

Technology.
My laptop is breaking. Hardcore. This really sucks because I've only had it, 2 and half years or so. It was shitty choice, I realize now. I didn't do nearly enough research. But I don't want to break the bank on a new laptop. Any clever solutions to this?
I'm also realizing my phone is out of date. Well, it's not out of date, I just want something a bit meatier. I need something that I can use to get on the internet. I bought my phone right before the sort of next gen Blackberry/Palm devices got thin and nice and reasonably priced. (Did you feel the cadence in that sentence by the way?) For the record, they're still to expensive it's just that phone companies are anteing up with the looming Google phone service (or whatever the hell they're planning) on the horizon.

Hopefully I can remedy both of these soon.